Empaths Realities...Immortal Dreams

To my BABYGIRL! ALWAYS BELIEVE THIS, BECAUSE ITs NOTHING BUT THE...

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 01:41:27 -0500

To my BABYGIRL! ALWAYS BELIEVE THIS, BECAUSE ITs NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!

OLD JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 2008 LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! ED! LEAVE ME...

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 01:10:56 -0500

OLD JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 2008

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! ED! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! isn’t this enough! when will it be enough! when will it be ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE!!!! JUST STOP!!! STOP THE VOICE IN MY HEAD!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

95% of people on my Tumblr won't read this, but as we speak, Libyan people are being massacred, because they're rebelling against an unfair government. The elderly, women, children, everyone in Libya is in danger tonight. It's genocide. Reblog this to raise awareness and support the revolution.

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 23:40:14 -0500

Sick of our world influencing our youth into thinking they are not pretty enough or skinny enough!

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 09:33:00 -0500

So sick of people talking about how bad their body image is, young girls are listening, this is not what beauty is about…now make them think they arn’t good enough or beautiful enough! Parents wake the hell up! Our children are beautiful! They listen well when it comes to trying to fit in! END FAT TALK…

Sad what this world has come too when ewven a radio station broadcaster tells about how fat and ugly she is…nice image they are giving out youth! THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!!!

Beauty is not on a ~~Magazine cover!~~

If people can’t handle their own body image keep it out of the brains of our youth, this type of stuff almost cost my life! I’ll be damned if my daughter is next to fall down that road, not that she isn’t predisposed, but the fact she’s been told how beautiful she is every day of her life! and other’s have to screw with her and make her think different I think not! This is why I’m an advocate! this needs to end!

I REFUSE TO LET HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF!

END FAT TALK NOW!

She sits in the corner, singing herself to sleep...

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 20:55:15 -0500

wrapped in all of the promises that no one seems to keep…

Cross the Line if you suffer or ever have suffered from depression,anxiety,an eating disorder,self harm,and addiction.

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 18:22:25 -0500

Please don't let this happen!

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 17:32:02 -0500

Dear Lord please, Please, keep my best friend and I connected. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s my SISSER!! no one understands do they????

Litte Zae Man! Freak The Freak OUT! my 6 year old rocks!!! Soooo...

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 17:23:33 -0500

Litte Zae Man! Freak The Freak OUT! my 6 year old rocks!!! Soooo cute!

Every Behind the scenes I’ve seen Alyssa Milano in she is...

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 13:50:01 -0500

Every Behind the scenes I’ve seen Alyssa Milano in she is funny! I love this! from Who’s The Boss to Charmed, to this, all of it, she’s awesome!

Believe...

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 12:50:27 -0500

Vision is the gift to see what others only dream….

Things I didn't know...and A Letter...

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 11:20:17 -0500

I didn’t know when I wrote this letter that you were sick, I didn’t know that you would die when I wrote this letter. I never got the chance to know. I was consumed in guilt, but I never stopped loving you…I never sent this letter, I guess maybe I should have? I didn’t know about anything when I wrote this letter…Now I can’t send a letter to heaven, but I can go back and remember where I was…and learn…

I know you only wanted to make things change, I know you didn’t want your son to go to prison…he always said he’d get help…he never did, he just got worse…somehow I hope you know this isn’t my fault it took a long time to let go of the guilt and finally know it wasn’t me…and that your death was not caused by me. I didn’t create cancer, and I didn’t make you give up…I was told you left our world right after you said goodbye to your son, who came to you on your death bed in shackles and handcuffs…that kills me inside…no one should have to say goodbye like that no matter what, but…I know it’s not worth consuming myself in guilt all over again for it nearly killed me literally and now I know..now I know…that those things were not me…I’m different…I’m young with an old soul…I loved you/Love you…I cry still….but the guilt is easier…so this letter you never recieved..I wrote while you were still alive…maybe you somehow will know, but in that time this was my state of mind….

You’re Letter I never sent:

Dear Pat;
I’m writing you because I got your cards, and I’m sorry it’s been so long, but you have to understand that I am scared. My kids are my world, and I do not neglect them ever. I cannot lose them because they are the only thing in this world I have left. I understand if you hate me, but I did what I had to do to keep us safe, things got way to horrible, and no matter what I said or did no one helped, So I had to do something to keep us from being hurt. I’m sorry if this makes you angry, nothing makes sense to me right now so it’s probably a huge jumble also. anyways….

The kids are doing wonderful, Babygirl is in first grade now, and Zae is in Pre-K, They both love school, and they both still recieve councelling every week, and during school. Babygirl wants to be a rock star lol! that phase will pass, she also wants to be a verterinarian. We have a cat named Lyric, and a puppy named Doe that they both help me care for, and they are both a very big part of our family. I don’t know what you think of me, or what has happened since all this and frankly I’m a little scared to know actually. Still is just me and the kids right now, and I plan to keep it that way. I don’t trust anyone to have a relationship anymore. The kids are my world and my everything and they complete me. They complete my life.

I was looking through photo albums and I found photos of you and the kids, and this made me cry, just seeing the happiness in your eyes and face with the kids. I didn’t know what else to do, I hope you understand that. I had to keep us safe. I never meant to keep them from you, I never wanted to, but things happened that way. I never hated you, and I never will, I will always love you like a second mother even if you hate me, I just want you to know that.

All of this hurts me inside deeply, so much more than you will ever know. I know you probably wont believe me, you must think I’m a cold heartless person, but that is far from the truth. Everyone always told me that crying was a weakness, and I believed it for a long time, but not anymore, because sometimes it is the only way to release some of the emotional pain, that gets so bad you can almost feel it physically, or you can. I care, I’ve always cared, I don’t know if anyone else ever really did because I am not them, but what I do know is, that even if you never cared for me, or if you don’t now, that you care about. and love these children, and I cannot say how much this has hurt me to have to do this to keep us safe, I cannot ever say in words how much any of this stuff hurts. I know you are hurting too, and I understand if you completely want to hate me. I just need you to know these things.

I know you asked to go out for icecream with the kids and I, I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what to say, it’s so hard, and it hurts so much, for me to say no, but that is way to hard for me to do right now,or whether we are ready for that or not.

There are alot of things that I just cannot say in a letter or my brain is too jumbled to think straight also, sometimes I have to write with specific subjects because my brain just goes everywhere when writing a letter. If there is anything you would like to know please write me back and ask. I’m sorry but I am trying, and doing the best that I can at this moment in my life.

For what it’s worth, I love you…even if you hate me I love you, always have, always will, I’ve always just wanted you to be happy with me, and your approval, sometimes I felt like there was nothing I could do to make that happen. Things at home with your son, before I left, got way out of hand, things no one else but me and these kids have seen and know about…but that now is something we must all live with, something that none of us can change or take back as much as we wish that we could. As much as I wish I could erase all the bad and only remember the good, but the good hurts just as bad as the bad sometimes, because you know you can never go back. The only thing we can do is try like heck to move forward and that is what me and these babies have been fighting to do for over a year now…We are getting there.

May God Bless You, and those around you.
May his love keep within your heart forever,
and may his hand guide you through the tough,
and keep you safe during fear.

If you got this far it means you read it comepletely without just throwing it away, so thank you. I appreciate it.Please write back if possible.

Love,
Ally

This was my letter to you, my letter before I knew…Had I sent it, maybe you would have known…I guess everything happens for a reason…

Sending my love to heaven to you! and to others that I love so dear…

<3 these things I didn’t know back then, change what I know now…

"A" is for Atonement...

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 08:24:25 -0500

On today’s agenda, Atonement. Number three definition in my
dictionary: Reparation for an offense or injury; amends.

Photo

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 23:03:55 -0500

I Miss You! My Sunshine...

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 22:20:00 -0500

I was your Angel. You Were My Sunshine! I remember laying together and you would sing My Only SunShine and my tears would Disappear! I love you my SUNSHINE! wait for me, when I’m old I’ll meet you at them Golden gates!

Love YOU MY SUNSHINE!!! sometimes I can feel you near me, if I’m not totally wacked, and I know you know I look up and talk to you, like my own banter when I talk to myself, but atleast you know I’m not nuts! <3<3<3

Everytime...

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 19:20:23 -0500

Every time I start falling back, reality kicks me in the HEAD!, HARD! and PAINFULLY! Its hard to think that now I’ll never talk to you again, because of the same things I’ve done myself. I don’t understand why some of us are given more chances, maybe it’s the willingness to keep moving forward…The willingness to live, The Willingness to RECOVER…and I think you just gave up…IT HURTS! Why would you give up? there was so much more for you here…and you didn’t see it…but why would some see it and others not? Is there really meaning to this? I was given many chances and somehow I pulled through, somehow I wish that was the same for you…I wish I could have saved you! You were a beautiful soul…Now I’ll miss you forever because I couldn’t…THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MY REALITY CHECK!!! Why did you give up? you weren’t supposed to give up!…YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO GIVE UP!!!!

See You’re Movin Cuz You Aint got nothin on me! Move Along...

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 18:01:38 -0500

See You’re Movin Cuz You Aint got nothin on me! Move Along Elmo’s World! It’s Mommy’s World now!

La La La La, La La La La, Mommy’s World!

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 17:54:08 -0500

La La La La, La La La La, Mommy’s World!

I act like shit don't phase me, inside it drives me crazy. My insecurities could eat me alive.

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 17:34:11 -0500

frozenwaves:

fucking ay..

We’re The DREAM WARRIORS!

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 17:30:54 -0500

We’re The DREAM WARRIORS!

No Words

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 09:32:07 -0500

Have you ever tried to fine the words for something so indescribable, that your brain refuses to comprehend why or how things have become so complicated. Seeming so unreal, was there really help out there? Pulling through everything so blindly, I never thought it would actually be this hard.

I hate feeling like I’m interrupting someones life, making things unbalanced, and always doing things wrong.What ever happened to life? Where is the help you need when you feel like your falling apart piece by piece. You cant help but feel like everything has clouded your vision, and you have no control anymore. The small things you try to control turns into bad. When did every aspect of life become so complicated? When did everything start to fall away from me? The words that can’t be spoken, the feelings that hide so deeply inside,the ones you dont want a soul to to see. combine together to making you feel like your torn at the seams.

You want everything to be perfect, but it doesn’t happen. You wish for things to move forward, but they take their sweet time, as you silence the screaming from deep inside again. You begin to wonder if the people around you can see everything you try so hard to hide.

Since when were my feelings hurt so easily, or was I broken one to many times. Always have the forboding feeling that everything you do or step into is wrong. Can you remember a time when it was right?

Have you ever known something was wrong deep inside but no matter how hard you try you can’t stop it from happening? Or even how to explain it?
Like a constant internal battle, but your not getting far. What do you say when you can’t find the words left to define the pain you feel inside.

You feel like your constantly running on auto-pilot. Terrifying dreams keep you up at night, fearing the next one to come, when you know it is. It’s kind of like falling into a bottomless pit, somewhere you can’t find the light to see yourself, and wonder if you will ever have a life again. You want nothing more than to fix things, to make it okay, When you know the damage will remain there anyway.

It hurts.

Since when did self distruction become so cool?

An outlet Sobataging your mind with blame and hurt. When does it end? Can you bear the tears, pull through, pull it togther and for once have a life of your own. How does it happen when everything has gone so far out of place, And I can’t go back in time to fix it, just have to face it all….

Time to put the pieces back together…Remember You’re Strong!